Understanding myself

This is perhaps one of my coherent posts, I feel as though I've discovered much more about myself, and got a new outlook on life today.

Forcing myself to stay strong was the wrong approach. To promise myself to not post anything depressing, or to promise myself to be happy wasn't the right thing to do.

I'm sorry I'm a person who thinks excessively, because I've got my own set of values and needs. More than others do. Acceptance has always been something I needed, but the more I try, the more its running away from me. The need for perfection has been in my blood all along, I won't do something until I think I've assured the end product would meet my expectations.


Its inevitable, alot of people will misunderstand me. I won't say I won't care about what people think, cause I do, but there's really nothing I can do about it and maybe I should accept that. Accept the fact that I do have more emotional needs than others, and can't be the perfect person in everybody's eyes.

Even as I'm typing right now, I'm afraid you'd think "Hah, you want to be liked by everybody? I think its the opposite". I don't know if that's true, but from this one should tell I really do think too excessively.


Why am I so afraid of not gaining acceptance?

Why am I so afraid of not being able to meet my sky-high expectations? (Its ironic that I'm doing so badly in everything, its not cause I dont' care)

Why am I so afraid of losing people around me?

Why am I so afraid of people misunderstanding me?

Why do I want things to go so perfectly?



These few days, I've written letters, notes, and tried to let people understand how I'm feeling. But its been too obssessive, they might be irritated and perhaps even freaked out by me, making matters worse. The harder I try, the harder I fall.

But I'm glad I got depressed for the past 3 weeks. I've understood ALOT more about myself (emotionally). Isn't useful for my studies, but it is in the long run.


I'm still depressed though, please don't call me emo when you don't understand me.

You're not going through what I am, and I can't force you to so its alright. Just don't call me emo, I hate that.

I'm not writing this in attempt to let you understand me better. I keep this blog to track down my own feelings and things I've learnt from the "emotional trauma". I want to make it public and not private because...

...okay yes, in the end I still hate it when people misunderstand me and in the end, I'm still trying to get you to understand me. What the hell, my character's so contradicting.



Last thing to note, I'm fucking stressed about my studies, like really damn freaking stressed. It may seem like I don't give a damn, but I actually do but many other factors are obstructing me.

My second f-word on this blog (the other saved under drafts). I always shun the word cause I made a promise to myself not to say it, but I realised its just another word to better express my EXTREME emotion.

I'm so tempted to take it away, but will people (and myself) truly believe I'm REALLY stressed unless they feel the discomfort from the use of this word?

(I know you probably dont' feel the discomfort since its such a "daily" word, but I do okay. and I don't just say it everyday.)